In an astonishing attack from his Loch Ness project head quarters, Professor Kettle lashed out at the new wave of beards "engulfing" Loch Ness. "I want to make it quite clear that I do not have a beard and I never intend to have one. I am a serious academic involved in the ongoing search for the cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster and beards are simply appalling".

Cryptozoology was shaken by the revelation that one of its greatest experts had finally come down against beards and other experts were keen to give their pseudo scientific opinion. Dr Pott said, "Frankly I am surprised. I know that Kettle has been under a lot of pressure since we lost our opportunity to place hydrophones into Loch Ness and to deep scan for the sounds of a monster (due to the closure of British airspace earlier this month) but this is a worrying development." He added, "it's possible that Gordon Brown's "bigot" encounter with Gillian pushed him over the edge".

However, history may be on Kettle's side again. "It is clear that men and women with beards tend to have low IQs as well as a lack of personal hygiene" said a source close to the EU Commission on British Fish Recycling.

The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment.